Personality, Motive, and Means in a High-Conflict Divorce

 Posted on December 24, 2024 in Divorce

Although no divorce is ever likely to be considered easy or comfortable, some are more contentious than others. A high-conflict divorce is characterized by intense animosity, a seemingly endless loop of disagreements, and legal battles that keep the divorce going for years. Every decision in a high-conflict divorce devolves into chaos and quarrels, whether it involves asset division, the allocation of parental responsibilities, or spousal support.

High-conflict divorces seem to bring out the absolute worst in people, making closure and moving forward difficult, if not impossible. While there are many aspects to a high-conflict divorce, this type of divorce rarely exists if three elements are absent: personality, motive, and means. While those words may conjure up visions of a murder mystery, they also apply to a high-conflict divorce. If you believe your divorce will be especially complex, speaking to an Oconomowoc, WI family law attorney can be beneficial.  

What Type of Person Is Usually Responsible for a High-Conflict Divorce?

In the simplest of terms, the spouse usually responsible for a high-conflict divorce is, above all else, controlling. This spouse could be a full-on narcissist or may have another personality type, but he or she will absolutely want to control the divorce from beginning to end. Along with controlling behavior, this spouse believes his or her perspective and actions are always the "right" ones.

He or she is likely low on empathy and may even be overtly negative and critical of anyone who disagrees. While this is not always true, the counterpart to the controlling spouse is often someone who dislikes conflict and has a strong sense of justice. The controlling spouse sets up a power struggle for every single issue in a divorce, often causing the other spouse to walk away with nothing, seeing it as the only way to finally end the divorce and the chaos.

 Means Equal Money and Power

While personality – particularly that of a controlling narcissist – is the underpinning of a high-conflict divorce, without means and motive, the controlling spouse has little leverage. Means refers to money and/or power. When one or both parties have enough money or power to wage a divorce war, there may be little concern about the actual outcome. It is simply a war to be won.

Self-aware, psychologically healthy people will step away from a conflict when they realize they are doing nothing more than wasting money and time. A controlling narcissist will "fight to the death." Power could come in many different forms. One of the spouses might have a position of power, a relationship with the Judge, local police, or city prosecutor, or might have media connections.

Those with less lavish means can create a high-conflict divorce, even without money and power,  by being irrationally tenacious, but it is more common among those with significant means. Watch out for the fact that a narcissist rarely follows the "rules" of any encounter, so if you are expecting fairness or empathy, you are in for a shock.

The Final Piece of the Puzzle - Motive

A narcissistic, controlling spouse who feels aggrieved – perhaps because the other spouse has the audacity to file for divorce – will also feel justified in doing whatever it takes to torment the other spouse. Thus, the motive is anger and affront. He or she will not hesitate to drag the children into the fray, which is usually a bridge too far, even for the most mild-mannered spouse. This is the point where the narcissist’s spouse fights back, as the instinct to protect and defend the children comes squarely to the forefront.  

Contact a Waukesha County, WI High-Conflict Divorce Attorney

If you are facing a high-conflict divorce, you need a strong, highly experienced attorney who will advocate for you when all you want to do is hide from the constant chaos. When you have a Waukesha, WI high-conflict divorce lawyer from Bucher, Wolff & Sonderhouse, LLP by your side, you can let us take some of the stress and anxiety from your shoulders. There is a light at the end of your divorce tunnel – even when you are divorcing a spouse who seems to love conflict. Call 262-232-6699 to schedule your free consultation.